UKIP 2014 Manifesto?

Time for a bit of fun. Here’s a possible UKIP Manifesto for 2014, based purely on the alleged comments and policy positions the media have reported on over the last few months. Though, given they are the party which “always tell the truth” maybe there’s a case that it should be? Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

• EDUCATION
  1/ Autism and ADHD are psychobabble created to keep “Lefties” in jobs, or they are caused by parents who don’t care enough about their kids to feed them properly.
  2/ Teachers must be BANNED from teaching about Climate Change.*
• CRIME
  1/  Hang ‘Em High.  Particularly if they are foreign.  Unless they are members or supporters or allies.
• HEALTH
  1/ Nut allergies don’t exist – sufferers just haven’t had enough chocolate.
  2/  Kids with Downs Syndrome should be aborted.
• RELIGION
  1/ God is punishing the UK with all the “bad weather” because we introduced Same Sex marriage.
• RACISM
  1/ We say we hate the BNP, but really we hope they are going to join us now that Nick Griffin is bankrupt.
  2/ We pretend to hate the EDL too, but do we really?
• YOUNG PEOPLE IN CARE
  1/ We think that all children in care are “takers” from the systemand that they should know what parasites they are. So we tell them.
• SEXUALITY
  1/ Gay people baffle us. They have every right to be Gay, but they should stop causing all this bad weather immediately.
  2/ Female gay people are the most baffling of all.
• FOREIGN AFFAIRS
  1/ Apartheid had some good ideas. Don’t be so quick to knock it.  We should reappraise it.
• IMMIGRATION
  1/ A huge number of Bulgarians and Romanians will arrive on January 1st, 2014. How many? Somewhere between 29 Millionand, uh, two dozen.
  2/ More Romanians should come.  This many is disappointing.  We’d based a lot of leaflets on this lie idea.
  3/ Expel ALL migrants.
  4/ … Except if Nigel Farage wakes up on the right side of the bed, as long as he doesn’t revise his view later.
  5/  We’re not racist but…
• TAXATION
  1/ We want to cut all taxes while increasing virtually all areas of expenditure. This is possible by continually respending the amount of money we pay to be members of the European Union.
  2/  When it comes to cutting the EU Budget though.  We won’t support that.
• ECONOMICS
  1/ Eastern Europeans are only coming here to claim benefits, but are also “stealing all the jobs.” Simultaneously. This makes perfect sense.
  2/ Everything is somebody else’s fault – a law that makes more sense than Supply & Demand.
• FREE SPEECH
  1/  We should be allowed free speech, no matter how crazy we sound.
  2/  … Unless one of our members says something we disagree with.
  3/  If anybody uses free speech against us they should be silenced, banned or otherwise bullied into silence**.
• GLOBAL CONSPIRACIES***
  1/ Everything is a grand conspiracy by a secretive global group to Rule The World.
  2/ Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.